I guess it won't be named Casey Jr.

Photo courtesy of Popcrunch.com

While I have been merry-go-rounding in my swivel chair and conspiratorially tapping my fingertips with Mr. Burns-like malice, Star magazine broke the story I so longed hear: Casey Aldridge is not the father of Jamie Lynn's bastard child.

No one with frosted tips willingly ventures into the interim of a woman's legs. Aldridge ought to be officially filed away with the likes of Larry Birkhead and Tom Cruise.

The question on everyone's mind

Image courtesy of Saucynovelties.co.uk

The way into a young voter's heart is candor. This was most effectively demonstrated in 1992 when a courageous teen named Laetitia Thompson blindsided presidential candidate Bill Clinton during an MTV Rock the Vote Q&A session. It was "the question that all the world was dying to know": boxers or briefs?

Well Hildog, as Matt Stone and Trey Parker have eternally dubbed you in my impressionable mind, all the world is dying to know: granny panties or thong?

Or is it one of those male-stripper thongs with an elephant trunk as my dear friend, HG the Palefaced Savage, theorizes?

The Best of Best of

I love lists. I love lists so much that I persevere through each year just so I can read more lists. And when I am done reading lists, I like to make them. Here is my compilation of the best "Best Of's" of 2007, hewing to the traditional Top 10 model:

10. Best and Worst TV Moments by the LA Times: Sally gets censored, Heidi and LC (girl, you're still LC from the block to me) call it quits and Britney's most entertaining VMA performance yet.
9. Top 10 Scandals by Time: Bathroom stalls, animal cruelty and a girl named Daniellynn.
8. The 2007 Besties by People: Winners of poll get even more attention...for getting a lot of attention.
7. Top 10 Viral Videos by Time: Chris Crocker, Will Ferrell and the man who got mounted to death by a horse (just kidding, Time isn't that cool).
6. Best Podcasts of 2007 by the Podcast Awards: blood is the new black; podcast is the new radio.
5. Ten Things that Won't Happen in 2008 by BusinessWeek: does this actually count as a "Best Of" list? Hell, why not.
4. Googly Moments by Light Reading: the mega-search engine with its ever-changing logo is undoubtedly one step away from global domination. If I could I would nominate Google for president in '08.
3. Top Ten Space Pictures by National Geographic: what's great about this list is that some of them aren't even pictures; they're artistic renderings and graphics.
2. Top 10 Data Breaches by CSO magazine: much like the Top 10 Scandals, but geekier.
1. Top 10 Weirdest USB Drives by FosforGadgets.com: What? Yes. USB drives.

Mad Dog makes Danger Cat

First there was Thug Passion (one part Alize, two parts Cristal). Then it was the Depth Charge (Jagermeister and Red Bull). Now it is the year of the cat—Danger Cat.

A Black man named White

As irony would have it John White, an African-American man in Riverhead, NY was convicted yesterday of a racially charged murder after a Myspace misunderstanding involving his 17-year-old son and one of his son's classmates. Click here to watch the video about the case on CNN.com.

DIY Divorce

Holiday shopping getting you down? Last minute gifts giving you anxiety? Search no further: I have found the perfect present for that person who has everything. Swing by your local Staples or go to Amazon.com where used kits start at only $10; new ones are available for the discounted price of $29 with FREE Super Saver Shipping.

Suckling on the news teet

Journalist Linda Ellerbee ought to be more careful with her wording if she is going to host a special about teen pregnancy on Nickelodeon

In an interview with the AP she invited a mondegreen when she said, "I think it's important that something be done. But I think it's important that it be done in a measured way, and not just to feed the beast of news stories."

What I heard: "But I think it's important that it be done in a measured way, and not just to feed on the breast of news stories."

Jamie Lynn has been naughty

Photo: Kevin Winter/ Getty Images

Journalists haven't been this excited since, well, five minutes ago when the last balk-inducing headline came over the wire. In truth, we have all been foaming at the mouth in collective anticipation for the next Spears slip up. My God, I mean Britney hasn't been on the cover of US Weekly since Dec. 3.

While the New York Post panders and pants with ingratiating servility to the public's lust for celebrity scandal, it was reassuring to read the The New York Times article on the topic which focused on the discussions her announcement ignited rather than the muck itself.

My only commentary is this: bless those girls. Bless them and their aversion to birth control. I look forward to a 2008 with yet another Spears in the world.

Perez is that you????

Perez Hilton caught waddling across the street by Us Weekly. The term "throwing stones in a glass house" come to mind.