Women do it better

Image P&G from ABC World News

The increased vocalization of sexist sentiments coming from Black male voters in South Carolina has gotten me thinking: what do women do well? Below I have comprised a list of things that we of the fairer sex inarguably do with more aplomb than men:

1. Cooking
2. Cleaning
3. Changing dirty diapers
4. Being flight attendants
5. Getting beaten
6. Sewing
7. Nagging
8. Withholding sex
9. Crying
10. Fishing for compliments

Butter Face

Professional wrestler Torrie Wilson isn't bad-looking. In fact, she is rather attractive in a girlfriend-of-Rick-Soloman kind of way. Her respective WWF figurine on the other hand, leads me to believe she has an enemy or two at Hasbro, the toy manufacturer responsible for putting a man's face on the 5" effigy.

Nonetheless, this He-man-like character has permeated the pages of magazines. Just the other day I came across an ad for KY Jelly that featured a model (pictured above) who resembles the testosterone-infused doll.

Torrie, I would sue. Dude canoodling Manface, if she starts having mood swings and growing facial hair I suggest just slathering on more KY, a little-known panacea for all things—gender ambiguity and steroid use included.

Second Life gaps and curves

According to Keith Mandell (pictured below, and who I am inclined to simply call "Braces"), women in virtual reality ought to be stacked like a plate of Denny's pancakes.

His company, Second Life, constructs chat rooms where people are more than just screen names: they are 3-D. When ABC correspondent Claire Shipman sat down with designer Giff Constable, his fantasy became a digital reality in his Second Life rendering of the PTA-Mom-next-door reporter.

Ward Churchill's Whopper Freakout

After being fired from CU Boulder for of falsifying and fabricating information, plagiarism and improperly reporting the results of studies, what a relief it is that Ward Churchill hasn't shied away from media attention. In this this Burger King commercial, the former professor of ethnic studies appears as if he has just stepped out of the Mystery Machine. But the best part is that on YouTube, the video is titled "Whopper Freakout by Angry Indian Professor."

Avatar Terrifying

Photo is P&G from Avatar website

With eyes that follow your pointer and a constant (not to mention unsettling) Bauble Head-like nod, the new SitePal talking advertisements that are popping up all over the Internet are just plain creepy—like Ally McBeal dancing baby creepy. Despite the video sales pitch, which assures that the "virtual hosts" boost online sales, I am compelled to click the other way for fear of having SitePal nightmares.

Happily Ever ad campaign

First it was a postcard in my mailbox (pictured top), then it was on the back cover of Us Weekly (pictured bottom). Today, it was looming over my head on one of those Godzilla-sized (or would Cloverfield be more "now?") billboards at the intersection of Broadway and Lafayette in Manhattan. I feel as if I have been roofied then coaxed into some Equinox Gym orgy.


Printing a full-page ad is upwards of $200,000. Compound that with the price of producing the images, constructing a direct mail campaign and renting the prime-spot billboard, and you have what I assume is one of the most massive advertising endeavors of 2008.

Pickled Cricket

Is it? No, it can't be. Oh yes, my friends, 'tis pickled cricket. I was under the impression that when one resorts to eating insects, he or she must be in a state of hopeless destitution—like a Gary Paulson character who is forced to fry up meal worm in a makeshift pan constructed of moose dung and spittle, and wash it down with urine. But when a person goes to, say, the Vietnamese market on Federal Avenue in Denver to procure themselves a 15 oz. (brine included) can of pickled cricket for $2.95, it is no longer a case of survival, but affinity.

I bought Jing Kung for novelty's sake, but I won't eat it because its saturated fat content would be 30% of my daily value, and I prefer my fat to come from mint Milanos.